Welcome to Facebook
by reraimu
Summary: Kyle gets sucked into Facebook, literally, and meets a familiar face. Facebook!Profile!Stan/Kyle KINK-SLASH Warning: Cyber sex? Two-shot.


**A/N: Please excuse the complete CRACK I'm about to dish out. NEXT CHAPTER WILL CONTAIN SEXUAL CONTENT. Not this one.**

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"Hey Kyle?"

The red head in question irritably shot a glimpse towards his bedroom door, green eyes anchoring on the form of his little brother who stood halfway across the threshold.

"What?" Kyle breathed, anchoring his gaze back to his laptop. His Facebook page was currently open and Kyle was busy deleting unimportant messages, most of them advertising upcoming events made by some of his schoolmates—Kyle didn't really care for bonfires.

"Can you make me a Facebook profile?" Ike asked meekly, flicking a finger at Kyle's doorknob. Kyle stared at his brother incredulously.

"Dude, you're too young to have one," Kyle hastily replied. He frowned when he scanned an event hidden in the recesses of his message inbox. Something about the Zombie Apocalypse and all that shit. He quickly clicked 'No' to the invitation and roamed to the home page, greedily reading up recent status updates.

"But, you had one when you were my age, and everyone at school has one…"

"No, Ike, ask Mom," Kyle bit out, shooting a mild glower at his brother. "And get outta' my room." He grimaced when Ike flicked the finger at him and hastily slammed the door shut, his angry footsteps echoing down the hallway. Kyle huffed and continued scrolling the status page, smiling when he came across Stan's recent mobile update. His smile instantly vanished when he actually read through it.

_At my girl's house :]_

Kyle frowned.

Shaking his head, he scrolled through the rest of the page, occasionally rolling his eyes at the ridiculous status updates he came across. Really, some people spouted the most retarded things. He didn't want to know that Clyde was currently in the bathroom, doing who knew what with himself.

"Sick," he whispered, now scrolling through celebrity profiles. It would seem that, yes, Paris Hilton's vagina could get bigger. Kyle hummed to himself as he scrolled up and clicked on the search box, hastily typing in Cartman's name so he could leave a foul post on his wall—they always did that to each other, no matter how scathing the post was, but when Kyle clicked on the search button, and clicked again, nothing seemed to happen.

He clicked and clicked and clicked, and finally getting frustrated, Kyle pressed F5 to refresh the damn page, but when that didn't work, he clicked on the Home link.

And it seemed his page had frozen.

"What the fuck!" Kyle called out angrily. Did his laptop freeze? Kyle minimized the browser window and clicked on the iTunes icon on his desktop. Instantaneously, the program whirred to life, and Kyle only furrowed his brow. His laptop seemed to be working fine…so maybe his Internet browser was crashing? That usually happened to him sometimes and it wasn't really a big deal. All he had to do was exit the browser and restart it again, but just to make sure…

Kyle maximized the browser and pressed Ctrl T, and when a tab immediately sprang up, he was even more confused. Usually when the browser crashed, everything crashed along with it, meaning he wouldn't have been able to open up any new tabs or windows. In the URL box, Kyle rapidly typed in Google and pressed enter, the web page popping to life seconds later.

So was Facebook the only site glitching or something?

Kyle sat up from his bed and groped around his bedroom floor for his backpack. After shuffling through its contents, he took out his phone and slid it open, his fingers punching away at the keyboard.

_Hey Stan, is Facebook laggin it or what?_

Kyle pressed send, and in a matter of minutes, his phone lit up and vibrated, signaling an incoming text.

_im usin it on my phone idk_

Can you check Wendy's computer?Yeh hold up

Kyle waited impatiently for Stan's reply, idling himself by clicking away at the refresh button on the site. He even tried clicking on the logo to refresh it that way, but the page was still stuck and frozen in place. It wasn't as if he were going to die or something if Facebook suddenly stopped working, but he had been in the middle of cleaning out his inbox, and it just irritated him for some reason!

His phone vibrated. _Facebooks working fine_

_Kk, thanks._

All right… that was certainly strange. Shrugging his shoulders, Kyle scrolled to the exit the tab, and just when he was about to click it close, his laptop screen fizzled in and out.

"What the fuck?" he whispered, drawing himself away from his laptop. His screen suddenly seemed to flick and clip, as if it was about to shut down and reload, but before any of that happened, the screen went blank. The display was pitch black, an inky black that wasn't at all normal, and Kyle could feel his breath hitching in his throat.

This was some freaky shit.

It reminded him of that scary looking girl that liked crawling out of televisions; he just fucking hoped nothing would crawl out of his computer screen.

Kyle might have jinxed himself.

The screen fizzled in one last time, briefly highlighting the still frozen Facebook page, before it shut down once more, however this time the screen was glowing an uncanny white light. The intensity of the light burned his retinas and Kyle found himself squinting and putting a hand to his face, trying desperately to block himself from it. Shit, it burned.

The next couple of seconds seemed to be a blur, or something taken out from a C-rated horror film. Kyle jumped back and threw himself against the wall when a luminous hand suddenly reached out from the laptop's screen. The hand was see-through and veined with neon red lines that seemed to be imprinted in the skin. It was glowing, and if that didn't freak him out enough, the hand was reaching out for him.

"Fuck, fuck!" Kyle shouted, scrambling up right. He teetered over the edge of his bed, ready to book it less the hand reach out any further, but before he could even jump, the ghostly hand shot out and gripped at his ankle, effectively knocking Kyle down to his mattress. He lay there strewn across his bed, an unknown set of fingers gripping tightly at his ankle, and he briefly realized he was shaking, his breath coming out clipped and ragged.

"Get the fuck off, get the fuck off," he chanted, frantically kicking at the appendage—anything, anything to make it fucking let go. The fingers only seemed to get tighter, nearly gouging into the sensitive skin around his foot. Kyle kicked and screamed, his entire body writhing atop his bed, and he could faintly hear footsteps pounding up the stairs.

They were coming for him, Kyle thought with relief, momentarily halting his thrashing movements. If only they'd get here faster, but before the door ever even opened, before Kyle had the time to scream for his mother, he felt a sucking sensation, as if his entire body was being pulled through a narrow funnel. He could hear the wind rush past him, beating hard at his eardrums, and his body seemed to be trembling, the grip on his ankle nearly numbing his entire leg.

That's when Kyle blacked out.

* * *

He awoke to glinting lights of blues and reds, neon colors zipping by his line of vision and momentarily paralyzing him in bewilderment. Kyle shakily sat up, dragging his fingers through the unruly red curls of his hair, before he tentatively looked about him. Everything seemed to be bathed in darkness, save for the glowing orbs of light that zipped by, faintly illuminating the space around him.

He felt like he was in a fucking Tron universe, and then realization slammed into him like a loaded freight train. He'd seen this place before, the whole entire situation resonated with his memories, a place so familiar that it couldn't be true.

"I'm in…I'm in," he stuttered, pressing a trembling hand to his chest.

"Welcome to Facebook."

Kyle flinched at the voice, a voice composed of digitally synthesized tones and audio frequencies, a voice that was low and creepy and clipped—that voice scared him. He slowly turned around in his seat, his mouth practically hitting the floor as he reeled back.

It was Stan. It was freaking Stan. What the hell was Stan doing in…no, no. This wasn't Stan at all, this being, this thing looked like the devil incarnate with only the pretty exterior of his Super Best Friend. The thing had glowing vermilion eyes that were narrowed and slanted, both of them currently anchored on Kyle, who shivered in turn. It smiled at him, showing a set of serrated teeth so sharp that it seemed to rip at the holographic skin of his lips.

Profile Stan cocked his head, his grin stretching so wide that it nearly hung off his face. Kyle noted that it was a Cheshire smile, all eerie and candid, and he found he didn't like it very much.

"Greetings, user Kyle Broflovski," he spoke, his voice tapering away. Profile Stan stood with his arms crossed over his chest, practically looming over the trembling red head that sat strewn across the floor. Feeling threatened, Kyle quickly scrambled upright and put a good distance between that…thing and himself.

"So skiddish," the other teased, jagged black bangs brushing across his forehead. His red eyes narrowed even further, until they were practically harrowing slits. "You're never this skiddish around Stan."

"How the hell would you know that?" Kyle spat, rubbing frantically at his arm. He grimaced when Profile Stan merely let loose a guttural chuckle, before training red eyes on Kyle once more.

"Every time you log on…I watch you," the hologram breathed, taking a step closer. "Ever wondered why you get so many pointless inbox messages?"

Kyle gulped and shook his head.

"It's only to keep you logged on a little longer," Profile Stan drawled, practically circling around Kyle. "So you can delete, delete, delete, and be none the wiser!" The hologram stared him down, as if Kyle were a piece of meat on display, and the teen couldn't help but shudder when he felt an electrical tingle spasm across the length of his neck—Profile Stan was right behind him, pressed flush against his back. "It feels good to finally touch you." The hologram grazed the fine points of his teeth along Kyle's collarbone.

Kyle jabbed at the hologram's stomach with his elbow and leapt away, his face flushing in anger and mortification. "Get the fuck away from me!"

In that instant, Profile Stan vanished, and Kyle was left shakily staring about him, hands pressed to his chest.

'_Where the fuck did he go, where, where, where?_' he thought frantically, neon lights dancing across his face and raking over his body. He felt like he was trapped in a never-ending rave.

Kyle shrieked when Profile Stan materialized in front of him, glowing eyes and all. He still had that harrowing smirk plastered across his pale face—Kyle hated that he looked so smug, as if he owned the damn place…which he probably did, if Kyle remembered correctly.

Right when Kyle was about to back away yet again, he felt something warm and thin lock around both his wrists, effectively drawing them together. He looked down in fright and saw that his hands were bound with a glowing red band, rendering his arms useless. The band didn't hurt or chafe his skin, but tingled and hummed along his flesh, as if it were vibrating. He watched as Profile Stan slinked his way over, his steps lithe and refined, as graceful as a hologram could get. Red vertical lines literally painted the expanse of the profile's entire body, seemingly bathing him in an ethereal glow of crimson. Kyle could only stare helplessly.

When Profile Stan halted right in front of him, Kyle looked up with wary eyes and sunk his shoulders. How could he be losing his resolve so fast? Surely he was better than that, he had sand in his vagina for a reason. "Let me go."

The profile leaned in and stood close to Kyle, bursts of static and electricity leaking from his mouth. He looked like a glowing sparkler. "You're going to make me overload."

Kyle widened his eyes.

No, no, no, no. That did not sound right at all, everything about that statement just screamed wrong, wrong, wrong.

But if it was so wrong, why did Kyle shiver?

Profile Stan lifted his arm, spurts of neon light dimming around them, and Kyle found himself steadily backing away, grateful that he still had use of his legs. Frantically scanning his surroundings, Kyle noticed a set of double doors at the opposite end of the oval room they were in, hidden by shadows and dimmed lighting. If he could make it over there unscathed, maybe he could get them to open, although…he didn't even know how he was going to leave in the first place. This wasn't exactly South Park, the real world- he was stuck in cyber space and there were certain methods he'd have to perform if he ever wanted to get back home.

A split second decision could cost him everything.

Profile Stan still had that ridiculous smirk to his lips, ruby eyes figuratively dissecting the red head on the spot. The hologram licked his lips; white sparks emitting from his mouth, before he raised his arms and jerked them. Thousands of multicolored lights peeled from the walls and surrounded Kyle like a fairy circle, each of them chaining together and acting as a provisional barrier.

"You need a password to open those doors," Profile Stan growled, running his tongue along his unusually sharp canines. Kyle gaped and looked away- the hologram had read his mind.

"What's the password?" Kyle sneered half-heartedly. He eyed the link of lights surrounding him, wondering if they'd harm him if he decided to touch them.

"You're funny," Profile Stan commented, taking a step closer. He was a breadth away, Kyle noted; he could feel the warm static leaking from the hologram's mouth. It warmed his cheeks and caused them to flush. "Just how I always thought you'd be."

Kyle flinched. There was something unnerving about how the way he said it… "How long?"

Profile Stan regarded the teen in front of him, eyes blinking and unblinking, before he tilted his head and answered, "Who knows?"

"Stan said you were gigantic, like at least 30 feet," Kyle whispered, averting his eyes. Profile Stan merely shrugged.

"This is the internet, kid, I can do fucking anything."

"His account is inactive, he hardly ever uses it," Kyle interjected.

"He's inactive, but I'm not."

Kyle immediately huddled in on himself.

"I'll release those lights," the hologram quipped, slanting his eyes. "If you promise not to run away." Kyle shot the profile a grimace before hesitantly nodding; he didn't want to get shocked. With a snap of the hologram's fingers, the chain of lights immediately disintegrated, vanishing in thin air, and Kyle noticed that the room instantaneously brightened, the lights having gone back to their rightful places situated among the walls.

"Neat trick," Kyle growled bitterly, his wrists still bound together. He looked at his hands and then anchored a glare on the hologram, silently motioning to his arms. "Can you get rid of this too?"

As quick as lightning, Profile Stan was standing so close that Kyle could actually feel the energy surrounding the other; it tingled against his skin and left his flesh warm and pink—he wasn't expecting that reaction. The hologram stared down at him, eyes so bright they were almost blinding, before the profile leaned closer.

"No," he whispered, sparks seeping from his mouth where they danced along Kyle's cheeks. At any other time, in any other place, Kyle would have found those sparks pretty, hypnotizing even, but when it came down to it, this was some sick reality and he just wanted to get away.

Kyle lost all thought when the lights dimmed.

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**A/N: I've always wanted to do a fic between these two, ever since that episode came out. Review and make me happy! :D**


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